just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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