I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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