I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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