i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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