its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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