I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Hippo gnu deer
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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