Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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