Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Randomize
