I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
