can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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