Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
