We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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