Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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