Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
