This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
