Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
