You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
