Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Randomize
