my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
