I look better un-naked...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
