after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
