these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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