She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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