May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
