You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
