the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
