So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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