I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
