why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
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