This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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