From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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