i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
