neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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