I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
