Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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