Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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