I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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