I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
