Don't make out with my wife yet
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
