I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
