one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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