i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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