She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
