Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
