What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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