I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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