I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
