She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
