She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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