Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
