watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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