I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize