I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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