He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
