I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
