Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
a search helicopter?!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
