There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
