I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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