u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
