im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
